family ties ..family joy .. family love .. eludes me

It's been hard these past few years ..  I want to be positive .. but the pain seems to superceed the hopefulness .. a few days ago found out that my mother in-law is coming in town .. not by a call or letter .. but by a Facebook post .. really ???  this is the second time of found out by FB .. it's saddens me
that we are not worth the time to our family to be notified … I don't know if any one would read this ..I doubt it highly ..  ( unless I died )  anywhooo..  We moved from my family in Cali to make it better for our boys .. and after all these years I find that no one ( except my brother ..I love you more Frank ) visits or even bothers to call .. I am trying to figure how out how we failed raising our boys .. sure their successful and I am very grateful honestly ..but is  raising children about only to have them be only involved with everyone else but their parents . Our eldest does take us out for lunch or dinner .. but it's always short and sweet .. I am quite sure he spends more time with his other parents than us .. I think it's been over a  year since they my children including grand children have been at our home .. and that was only for about 10  minutes .. may be 45 with us been given a wonderful gift of a tv. I had no idea that my sons would be so distant from me .. my heart yearns for closeness .. but it seems to evade me .
how do I accept this rejection .. it's so painful . I don't know how to make things better . I love my sons  so much .. but I can't say they feel the same .. so yes I did fail miserably .  and I m so sorry I was not a good enough mother to be loved. I am sorry I  had not met their standards .. I am sorry I hurt them so much that they have distance themselves from me..and though I am sorry for what I have done .. I am gratefull that they held on to Jesus .. I feel ashamed that I could be so selfish in this that I would want more .. than what He has given . For His grace is more than enough .  

What you plant ..you reap ( so true in Life )

After much thinking I have come to conculsion that I am repeating what I sowed.. I didn't until I was much older appreciate my parents .. was I caring and kind ? yes .. but giving no .. and a hidden heartache only goes to show that God is fair in His dealing with me a sinner . .so I accept this rejection as just . for my God rules all things .. Thank my Lord for having even a inkling to love me .

A time for change ?

 It's been awhile since I bared my soul to anyone who may want to read this . Oh well..
Is this a private therapy for me I can't say.. but Today I felt I needed to just speak my mind .
 Just yesterday My oldest called his dad to speak with him .. ( which touches my heart always ). He
spoke about going to see his auntie ( which also makes me grateful) .. I had called him three times last week left message to call me .. but got no response .. I feel like I have been replaced or I am not of value to have  my calls returned .. so the question I ask my self.. Where did I fail ?
Never a millón years would I have thought that my sons would have rare interactions with me .. I somehow messed up .. I don't how ? I pray God can show me ..so I can try to make it right , don't get me wrong I am grateful for the families my sons have joined .. Their wonderful God loving people .. I just don't understand how I missed the mark .. They have a  high standard that I am obviously blind to. Nor am I able to reach . Do I need to change ?.. and if so how ? I pray God will give me guidance and a desire to do so.. Pain... yes .. Hope .. a flicker .

why do we strive for affection ?

Good evening all..
Rough week .. actually rough month ..working at PT now. have these crazy hours . there called flexing hours ..so that no OT is created .. looked at my Monday schedule only to see that first patient in at 7am last patient at 5 pm .. Asked the girls if they can catch the the first two am patients .. and I can get the 8:30 patient .and be able to leave without creating any OT. ... then my Boss IM me and asked if I could work the entire shift . and take a longer lunch.. WTH ?? ( what the heck ) .. like my time is not important to me so I'll just sit in my car for 90 min.. so that my boss can have a nice bonus for cutting OT.. really ?? I have worked for 25 years for this place .. and this is their thanks to me. .. any who..
 I'll work the hours , but hoping I can cut out the OT ,,during the week ..
Went out with my hubby yesterday ..God it's been Months since we gone anywhere together . and as usual .. a quick meal at fast food place .. and he could not get out of there fast enough .. I am so tried of being lonely .. I don't have a partner I have a ruler.. get this ..get that .. and says the dumbest things to me .. like don't forget to get the frying pan out of the oven before you start baking dinner ..No ..actually the ingredients call for a frying pan to be placed in the oven along with casserole ...uggg!!.
I tend to keep up with this cute couple ... and I see the sweet affections they have for each other .. and I live vicariously through them .. because it make me happy ... Getting old sucks.. had no idea that love would stop...ok now time to get back to see my favorite couple ..Good night and Godspeed.

Making a royal hash of things

This week has been a roller coaster ride...

I'm littertly dumbfounded ..

My husband thinks I butt in too much in my son's affairs . I call him once a week,conversation duration maybe 3 minutes , see him maybe three or four times a year . I simply wanted to know how my daughter in-laws dr.'s visit went .. and I knew a new christian movie was out and thought maybe we can all go see it. my bad here is that my husband had made plans to be with our son for this week-end ,and by me changing things up this just added more frustration to his now 3rd week of not smoking ..and I just got off the phone with my son saying how sorry I was that I intruded in his and his dad's plan .. so now they're not getting together ..better anyways since James should be near Rachel in Dallas than be away from her during these next few weeks, just told my son to take care of Rachel and our grandson and by me saying this I just messed things up with my son .. and should have said take care of Rachel and your son ... apparently my husband believes like my daughter-in-law that only her parents have a right to enjoy this special event in their lives .. I am not.... repeat.. am not family. Just some old lady who thought that when she gave birth to her sons , her family would expand ..oh how foolish to think that I should be deserving of such wishful even whimsical dreaming.. I don't deserve anything but hell , yet my Lord in his mercy saved me.

I miss my children .. but I'm really weird like that . and boy did I make a hash of things.

Her husband's mother ..she's family ... Not !!!..

I have a super daughter in-law whom I love very much..I just don't understand why she dislikes me ...I know that sounds harsh .. but after over five years of being married to my oldest son .. you can't help but see the truth .. how many times I've called and left messages only to have my son return the calls. I'm getting older but not senile ( yet ).

We're about to have a GRAND BABY soon.. I am so thrilled !! yet at the same time very sad .. how could this be you ask ? I was driving home from work and after a brief conversation with my son .. I wondered if my daughter in-law's mother got called daily about the grand baby .. I can imagine the first day .. mom we're pregnant !!! and the conversation probably went on for minutes to hours that was approx 8 months ago ..

I'm quite sure since then ,,oh mom we heard the baby's heart beat . mom I just sent you the first sono.. mom it's a boy !!! look at 4th sono etc.. isn't this just wonderful !! and it should by all means be with a daughter and mother... but has for the mother in-law

well why should she need to know any of this it's not her family ..it's mine .

She's right in away .. who am I but her husband's mother . Working at a hospital for so many years .. there's lots of pain and sadness , Then you have the precious moments when family gather in the waiting room , from grandma's to granddads to uncle so & so ,auntie Sue to little cousins .. families all excited waiting, some knitting , some napping,some kidding each other on .. some repeating to the toddlers your baby sister will be here soon etc..

Just the joy on their faces would delight me ... I always say if hospitals could only be in business for having babies what a wonderful world this would be..

I always wanted a family that was close and loving .. but I've got a small family here in Texas , two boys, daughter in-law and sometimes cranky father in-law, a sweet girl with youngest son, a loving Husband from God ... I'm grateful for my little family and thankful.

Will I be bless to be part of my grandson's life ... I don't think so ..

Because I'm just her husband's mother ,.........not family ..that's why.

Boxing God ..It's ok He doesn't mind a round or two.

After the post on Rita, that came just a bit easier to blog .Cancer stage 4 is never a good report..it's always a matter of time and please don't get me wrong and think I'm less hurt of her passing than Jules..

There's just difference I can not explain.. My Jules was just that my personal person... My BFF... I loved Jules because of her love for Our Lord.

During the few days I had spent with her while in the hospital and the days & nights at the rehab center ..I saw the anointing of the Lord upon her , she was still doing our Father's will even in her last days on earth ..I remember a respiratory tech named Dan.. some how she got him in a conversation and within minutes we held hands and prayed him into the kingdom ... this was nothing out of the ordinary with Jules .. over so many

years this was a norm for her ..often she would tell me of how she met someone that day and how God had reveled the hurt in that person..or the repairman for the washer got saved by praying with her ..so many souls were lead by this servant to the kingdom of heaven.. one thing that was the hardest thing for me to admit during her last hours here.

Was that I could sense myself trying to pry God's fingers off of her ..has if I was a child saying " you can't have her ..she's mine " not in a bratty sense , but in a begging sense.

Never the less Father let your will be done and I gave up fighting with our maker... and she took her first breath in heaven on July 27th @ 3:15 am.

Pain still lingers just fading very very .... slowly.