Making a royal hash of things

This week has been a roller coaster ride...

I'm littertly dumbfounded ..

My husband thinks I butt in too much in my son's affairs . I call him once a week,conversation duration maybe 3 minutes , see him maybe three or four times a year . I simply wanted to know how my daughter in-laws dr.'s visit went .. and I knew a new christian movie was out and thought maybe we can all go see it. my bad here is that my husband had made plans to be with our son for this week-end ,and by me changing things up this just added more frustration to his now 3rd week of not smoking ..and I just got off the phone with my son saying how sorry I was that I intruded in his and his dad's plan .. so now they're not getting together ..better anyways since James should be near Rachel in Dallas than be away from her during these next few weeks, just told my son to take care of Rachel and our grandson and by me saying this I just messed things up with my son .. and should have said take care of Rachel and your son ... apparently my husband believes like my daughter-in-law that only her parents have a right to enjoy this special event in their lives .. I am not.... repeat.. am not family. Just some old lady who thought that when she gave birth to her sons , her family would expand ..oh how foolish to think that I should be deserving of such wishful even whimsical dreaming.. I don't deserve anything but hell , yet my Lord in his mercy saved me.

I miss my children .. but I'm really weird like that . and boy did I make a hash of things.

Her husband's mother ..she's family ... Not !!!..

I have a super daughter in-law whom I love very much..I just don't understand why she dislikes me ...I know that sounds harsh .. but after over five years of being married to my oldest son .. you can't help but see the truth .. how many times I've called and left messages only to have my son return the calls. I'm getting older but not senile ( yet ).

We're about to have a GRAND BABY soon.. I am so thrilled !! yet at the same time very sad .. how could this be you ask ? I was driving home from work and after a brief conversation with my son .. I wondered if my daughter in-law's mother got called daily about the grand baby .. I can imagine the first day .. mom we're pregnant !!! and the conversation probably went on for minutes to hours that was approx 8 months ago ..

I'm quite sure since then ,,oh mom we heard the baby's heart beat . mom I just sent you the first sono.. mom it's a boy !!! look at 4th sono etc.. isn't this just wonderful !! and it should by all means be with a daughter and mother... but has for the mother in-law

well why should she need to know any of this it's not her family ..it's mine .

She's right in away .. who am I but her husband's mother . Working at a hospital for so many years .. there's lots of pain and sadness , Then you have the precious moments when family gather in the waiting room , from grandma's to granddads to uncle so & so ,auntie Sue to little cousins .. families all excited waiting, some knitting , some napping,some kidding each other on .. some repeating to the toddlers your baby sister will be here soon etc..

Just the joy on their faces would delight me ... I always say if hospitals could only be in business for having babies what a wonderful world this would be..

I always wanted a family that was close and loving .. but I've got a small family here in Texas , two boys, daughter in-law and sometimes cranky father in-law, a sweet girl with youngest son, a loving Husband from God ... I'm grateful for my little family and thankful.

Will I be bless to be part of my grandson's life ... I don't think so ..

Because I'm just her husband's mother ,.........not family ..that's why.

Boxing God ..It's ok He doesn't mind a round or two.

After the post on Rita, that came just a bit easier to blog .Cancer stage 4 is never a good report..it's always a matter of time and please don't get me wrong and think I'm less hurt of her passing than Jules..

There's just difference I can not explain.. My Jules was just that my personal person... My BFF... I loved Jules because of her love for Our Lord.

During the few days I had spent with her while in the hospital and the days & nights at the rehab center ..I saw the anointing of the Lord upon her , she was still doing our Father's will even in her last days on earth ..I remember a respiratory tech named Dan.. some how she got him in a conversation and within minutes we held hands and prayed him into the kingdom ... this was nothing out of the ordinary with Jules .. over so many

years this was a norm for her ..often she would tell me of how she met someone that day and how God had reveled the hurt in that person..or the repairman for the washer got saved by praying with her ..so many souls were lead by this servant to the kingdom of heaven.. one thing that was the hardest thing for me to admit during her last hours here.

Was that I could sense myself trying to pry God's fingers off of her ..has if I was a child saying " you can't have her ..she's mine " not in a bratty sense , but in a begging sense.

Never the less Father let your will be done and I gave up fighting with our maker... and she took her first breath in heaven on July 27th @ 3:15 am.

Pain still lingers just fading very very .... slowly.

saying good bye

My last blog was a awhile back , but yet seems like yesterday...
on May the 24th .. this what I entered on my notes:
On flight to c Rita ..Life interrupts life...I try not to cry..It's has if your telling the Ocean waves to back off.

When you know:
you have no say in the matter @ hand ..I pray I get there in time to say good-bye..Knowing eventually I will be saying Hello
again..
Got a chance to see her, weak & frail ...
Wanted so much to hug her,but she was afraid that with my light cold it could be detriment to her that it may shorten what little time she had here on earth .. and I understood and simply watched from a distance .
On June 8th My sister met her creator, her Lord....the first thing I thought was darn she got to see our earthly dad before me.
the flesh still jealous in death...