family ties ..family joy .. family love .. eludes me

It's been hard these past few years ..  I want to be positive .. but the pain seems to superceed the hopefulness .. a few days ago found out that my mother in-law is coming in town .. not by a call or letter .. but by a Facebook post .. really ???  this is the second time of found out by FB .. it's saddens me
that we are not worth the time to our family to be notified … I don't know if any one would read this ..I doubt it highly ..  ( unless I died )  anywhooo..  We moved from my family in Cali to make it better for our boys .. and after all these years I find that no one ( except my brother ..I love you more Frank ) visits or even bothers to call .. I am trying to figure how out how we failed raising our boys .. sure their successful and I am very grateful honestly ..but is  raising children about only to have them be only involved with everyone else but their parents . Our eldest does take us out for lunch or dinner .. but it's always short and sweet .. I am quite sure he spends more time with his other parents than us .. I think it's been over a  year since they my children including grand children have been at our home .. and that was only for about 10  minutes .. may be 45 with us been given a wonderful gift of a tv. I had no idea that my sons would be so distant from me .. my heart yearns for closeness .. but it seems to evade me .
how do I accept this rejection .. it's so painful . I don't know how to make things better . I love my sons  so much .. but I can't say they feel the same .. so yes I did fail miserably .  and I m so sorry I was not a good enough mother to be loved. I am sorry I  had not met their standards .. I am sorry I hurt them so much that they have distance themselves from me..and though I am sorry for what I have done .. I am gratefull that they held on to Jesus .. I feel ashamed that I could be so selfish in this that I would want more .. than what He has given . For His grace is more than enough .  

What you plant ..you reap ( so true in Life )

After much thinking I have come to conculsion that I am repeating what I sowed.. I didn't until I was much older appreciate my parents .. was I caring and kind ? yes .. but giving no .. and a hidden heartache only goes to show that God is fair in His dealing with me a sinner . .so I accept this rejection as just . for my God rules all things .. Thank my Lord for having even a inkling to love me .

A time for change ?

 It's been awhile since I bared my soul to anyone who may want to read this . Oh well..
Is this a private therapy for me I can't say.. but Today I felt I needed to just speak my mind .
 Just yesterday My oldest called his dad to speak with him .. ( which touches my heart always ). He
spoke about going to see his auntie ( which also makes me grateful) .. I had called him three times last week left message to call me .. but got no response .. I feel like I have been replaced or I am not of value to have  my calls returned .. so the question I ask my self.. Where did I fail ?
Never a millón years would I have thought that my sons would have rare interactions with me .. I somehow messed up .. I don't how ? I pray God can show me ..so I can try to make it right , don't get me wrong I am grateful for the families my sons have joined .. Their wonderful God loving people .. I just don't understand how I missed the mark .. They have a  high standard that I am obviously blind to. Nor am I able to reach . Do I need to change ?.. and if so how ? I pray God will give me guidance and a desire to do so.. Pain... yes .. Hope .. a flicker .